Friday, May 21, 2010

Soldiering On...Without My Mommy

May 21, 2010 - 23 Days Since My Mommy Passed

I completed 29 days of the Challenge, then my world shattered.  On the evening of the 29th day, my dearest mother ended her earthly journey, leaving me, her youngest, my father and siblings, to mourn her passing.  When I got the call from my sister, letting me know that Mom's in Emergency again, I had expected her to say that she'll be fine, not to worry.  However, when she asked if I could come right away as she may not make it, I couldn't believe what I've just heard.  Upon arriving at the hospital, I was expecting to see her lying there, with her smiling face greeting me.  Instead, she was unconscious, eyes open but seemingly unseeing, breathing shallow breaths, obviously hanging on to a few more minutes of life, waiting for me to arrive at her bedside, in order to bid a final goodbye to me.  She slipped away quietly and with dignity about half an hour after I got there.

The day that I have dreaded for so many years has finally arrived.  When my Lola (my mother's mother) passed away, I was devastated.  I cried and I cried and I cried.  After my mother, she was the most important, most loved female in my life.  I thought, what would happen when the time comes when it's my mother's turn to pass on?  I remember thinking that I would be shattered, heartbroken.  And so now, this is what is happening to me.

I practiced 2 days after Mommy died in the city she called her second home after we emigrated from the Philippines.  I thought I should go to the hot room in order to escape the grief, to be away from my family who were all grieving.  I thought I did well, but during Savasana, when I was still and alone in my thoughts, I found myself tearing up, my throat constricting in my conscious attempt to control myself from sobbing.  I simply could not eradicate from my thoughts the image of my mother slowly slipping away from this life...

I'm back to my regular routine, practising at 6:00AM during the week, drawing comfort from the presence of the "6:00AM crew" and from my practice.  It's been 23 days since that dreaded day; I am functioning, I am laughing, but deep inside I am sad. 


Lady J said...

Sending you love and comfort. So glad to see you at 6am classes. I went to yoga the day after my Oma passed. I think that room gives us more than we could ever imagine.
See you tomorrow!

Lorrena said...

Thank you, J. You are absolutely right about the miracle of the hot room. I am blessed to be a part of our yoga family, and to have our practice to lean on. Likewise, I love having you and your Mom around at 6:00AM :) See you tomorrow!